I know these last few entries have been mainly on soccer and tv. It's not that there's nothing much happening in my life. In fact, there's aplenty, but I don't know, whenever I go to the site, I don't really feel like writing anymore. I only oblige to writing soccer and tv. Is it because I don't want to tell others how I've been feeling? Maybe, I don't know, been bottling up my feelings inside these past few weeks, and not letting it all out. I know, it's not good to bottle up your own feelings and keeping all inside, but somehow I don't have this urge to tell others. I think it's mainly because I'm stressed. So much homework, tests, assignments, projects coming my way, that I don't even have time to really enjoy myself. And now, with tennis nationals and all, I'll have to spend more time on studies. I'm really stressed. I think I've been stressed since a few weeks' back. But somehow, I've just managed to exist during these past few weeks. I'm not living my life anymore, I'm merely existing. Thoughts of suicide have, more often than not, crossed my mind during these times. I know it's not good, I mean, to everyone, suicide is not a good thing to do. As a Christian, that is more so. We've been taught not to commit suicide, to just leave everything in His hands. But I've been unable to do that. I really don't know why.. I don't feel like telling anyone, I've just been keeping all these to myself, not even to my family or close friends. Why must life be like this? It's like a chore to complete, a routine that you don't have a choice but to carry out, day in day out it's just school, completing tutorials, studying for tests. I am exhausted and tired, sleep-deprived. Been sleeping late, and waking up earlier than usual, just to complete my homework. It's really killing me. Although I try to put on a happy self in school, inside I'm really kind of sinking, being pulled and weighed down by all the work and stress. I really feel inferior and stupid, a failure, when I see the others have done their tutorials, and they also have more sleep. And have time to watch TV, go online, etc. And they also don't really need to study to do so well in tests. Me? I'm such a failure. I really don't feel like carrying out this routine anymore, why must life be so rigid? Even watching American Idol on Thursdays has kind of become a routine, to keep me sane. I guess it's a question of priorities... I want to have equal work and play, but I guess, in JC, you can never achieve that, but I think I still can't accept that. I force myself to have equal work and play, to watch TV knowing that I still have a lot to do. What a mess. Maybe it's better to escape from this mess, leave everything behind, go overseas and start a whole new life there. But would I really want to do that? If I go to States, I would be leaving my friends behind, and I would be further from my family, totally alone there. *sigh* I really don't know...