And ever since booth ended, I'm feeling really lazy. Or maybe I'm just burnt-out by everything. This sem has been so tough, so testing. So many things going on and so many responsibilities. So much so that I don't really have time to do anything else or to relax. And I feel so unmotivated now. Just look at my programming. I started the last last programming assignment of the sem on the day itself. Obviously, I didn't finish it. But the thing is I didn't feel a sense of urgency to start at all. I just didn't feel like programming at all. Think I've done too many programming assignments this sem, as in, the programming stuff I had to do really took a lot out of me, considering that I'm not that great in programming also, and it didn't help that I didn't have a good partner, so I ended up doing the assignments myself. I'm resigned to getting a B in it, even though I know I still have a slim chance of getitng an A. I can't believe I'm giving up just like that. Gotta buck up.. programming midterm next week and I need to get full marks! (Well, you either get 0, 50 or 100 haha).
Psych freshie sem is the other one I really need to buck up. 15page paper to write! The thought of having to write so long is just bleah. Haha. I hope my crapping skills have improved enough for me to smoke through so many pages hehe.
I realize my grades are slipping. It's really no joke. And I'm skipping classes like nobody's business now. This is really bad. Buck up and persevere! Next week: 2 midterms, 1 presentation, 2 homeworks. Following week: 4 finals. Last week: math finance final. And soon it'll be over. Must really motivate myself to persevere. The good news about finals is that the hardest paper (programming) will be on the first day, and after that, I'll be done with programming!
Anyway, I'm in a dilemma right now. About school and what to do after this. 3 or 4? Stay or drop out of SHS (science & humanities) program? Business or econs? I've to make decisions and I hate making decisions. Especially decisions such as these that can have a bearing on my future.
Most important decision I have to make is probably whether to stay in cmu for 3 or 4 years. I'll be able to complete my degree and get a minor in 3, or get an additional major in 4. I really don't know. I know my parents prefer me to graduate as fast as I can, partly cos of financial reasons, so I thought I'd do it in 3. But getting a second degree would be nice also. The thing is, I'm a person easily influenced by my friends. Everyone else is graduating in 3 with a double degree. But most of my friends are on scholarship and I'm not. And they're not doing comp finance, so getting a double degree isn't a problem. Comp finance core requirements are just crazy. I'm so undecided right now. The good thing is, I have some time to decide, until next sem, when I have to register for Spring '07 courses.
The SHS program is something I have to consider also. I guess it doesn't really have that many benefits to me, but I'm a person who dare not take risks (aka do something unconventional like dropping out of a program). My advisor offered me this possibility yesterday. If I stay in SHS, I need to do 3 more humans courses (psych, philo and language/music course). If I drop out, I need 2 more (pscyh and another humans course, which may overlap with comp finance requirements). How how? Actually, there's not really much of a difference between staying and dropping out. I'm interested in taking philo, so I'll probably take it sometime (not really a philo person, but curious to know what's about). The problem is the language/music course. I'd originally planned on taking french and philo in summer. But I'm now not sure about taking french (especially since there's no one taking with me now haha). From past experience, I know that if you learn a language and don't use it, you'd easily forget it. So I'm not sure if learning French 1 will be useful, unless I continue with French 2. But even then, I'd probably forget it, even though I'm interested in learning French. My mum asked me to take Chinese (again). I'm quite sick of learning Chinese haha and again, I'd probably just forget it also. Another option will be to take piano classes, but I don't think I can take this in summer. If I don't do do a language course in summer, I'd only have 1 summer course. I can do a business course also...
But this only counts if I wanna do business major/minor. If I do econs it's not needed. I called my mum yesterday and she told me it may be better to do business instead of econs. I'm not sure. Business is definitely more practical. I like econs but it may be too theoretical. (Is that true??) My mum thinks if I do comp finance and business, I may not even have to do an MBA (or finish MBA faster - it works that way meh?). But I still want to get a master's degree. I need to decide whether I want to do that business course cos summer school is approaching fast.
I'm just so confused right now. Too many things on my mind. Off to play tennis (finally!). Hope that will clear my mind a little.
Anyway, course registration is tomorrow and I've just spent the last few hours thinking of the various courses to take and my second major or minor. I declared an additional major in Econs yesterday, but I think I was quite crazy cos doing that would require me to take 7 courses per sem! Insane! I'll probably do an Econs minor instead, but somehow,I think I'm still unsure. It's mostly because all along, I've been telling myself that I want to do something in psych and to just switch to Econs seems wrong. I don't know. I counted the number of courses that I still need to take. If I wanna do an Econs minor, it'd be 20-22 courses (cos some may overlap with comp finance), Econs add major 24, psych minor 26, psych add major 29. To finish in 3, doing psych would be crazy. Econs would be reasonable, but somehow I still feel unsettled. And there are also so many courses you can choose from. I just hope I won't get waitlisted for accounting, but I think I will be. If not, I'd have to be prepared to take philo in fall instead of summer.
I know I should start doing my work, but my mind is just filled with courses courses and more courses. Argh.
Don't you feel really really irritated when someone spreads rumors about you which aren't true, and not only that, tells the rumor to everyone? And I really mean everyone, including people that're not supposed to find out. I feel embarrassed.
They say that stressful situations bring out the worst in people. So true. How I wish I can change that.
So spring has sprung! With beautiful tulips and birds chirping. But why is the weather so cold and rainy?
Anyway, I've spent the past two weeks thinking about the courses to take and stuff, about what I want to do for the rest of my stay in CMU. Fall registration is next week and I have a really bad registration time (2.30pm). I'm prepared to be waitlisted, just that I hope I'm not waitlisted in too many courses. This is what I hope my schedule will be. So I'm now majoring in Computational Finance. Frankly, I'm not even sure if that's what I really want to do. I'll probably find out. But I won't deny that I'm really interested in the field of finance, just that comp finance is really very maths and I'm not sure if I can handle so much maths haha. I know that I want to do something that involves both maths and macroecons. Still interested in econs, surprisingly, and I'm definitely considering an additional major/minor in it. Changed my mind about doing something in psych. I still want to take psych courses, but the higher level psych courses involve lab research and stuff, and I don't like labwork haha. Oh well.
On the way back from dinner just now, Zhengheng asked me why I want to finish in 3 years. He asked me what's the difference between studying in US and Singapore and about why I want to rush off in 3 years. That set me off thinking. I would gladly stay one more year rather than working, but it's not only that. The fees are expensive and I know my parents would prefer me to finish in 3. But what really made me think was Zhengheng's comment about how if I rush, I'll probably end up not learning much. And I think I find that to be very true. It doesn't help that the uni style of education is such that you're learning something from a course for a sem and after that, you're learning different stuff. Well, maybe you still use a bit of the stuff that you've learned, but generally, I don't think that's the case. I know I definitely have forgotten most of the stuff I learned last sem, which made me question if I've really learned anything since coming here. If not, then what's the point of going to classes and everything? And I realize I've become more grade-oriented than ever this sem, if you know what I mean. Doing enough to get an A rather than learning something.
Anyway, went to Ikea for furniture-shopping again, or rather, to look at the furniture. I'm really impressed by the way the guys have designed their rooms and everything. They seem to know so much about furniture and stuff and they're really good in furnishing their house. Their house looks really cosy! For me, I'm just fine with simple stuff. Think it has to do partly with the way I was brought up. But besides that, I think the guys generally are so much more mature and independent than me. I must admit I'm really quite naive and I guess, pretty sheltered, all this while. Next sem, when me and jess have to stay on our own and do everything ourselves, will be the true test haha. It'll be definitely a time of learning and to me, it is one of the differences between studying here and back in singapore. I mean, if I'd stayed in Singapore, I wouldn't have been forced to do everything by myself. Suddenly reminds me of what my Sunday school teachers told us last time. They told us girls to find a guy who's studied overseas cos he'll probably know how to cook haha.
Just realized that it's 2 weeks before the spring sem ends, and after that, I'll be a sophomore already. Summer school and before I know it, it'll be HOME HOME HOME! :)
Hungry I come to You
For I know You satisfy
I am empty but I know
Your love does not run dry
So I wait for You
So I wait for You
I'm falling on my knees
Offering all of me
Jesus, You're all this heart
Is living for
Broken, I run to You
For I know Your arms are open wide
I am weary but I know
Your touch restores my life
So I wait for You
So I wait for You
I'm falling on my knees
Offering all of me
Jesus, You're all this heart
Is living for
Matrix hwk, math finance hwk, psych research to be done by tmr. Plus booth. No time!
I'm really really exhausted today. My eyes just feel like closing the entire day. Woke up at 4.30am to do midway watch with jessica. Luckily, it wasn't as bad as yesterday, and I had a good time talking with her and stuff. The midway people were also nice enough to make hot chocolate, and I got to witness a beautiful view of the Cathedral of Learning bathed in the early sunrise. I've never seen that kind of view before and it was a truly amazing view. Too bad I didn't bring my camera along. But that aside, waking up early really took its toll on me, especially since I've been sleeping late the entire week. And my appetite is kindda screwed up too. I've no idea why I'm feeling hungry all the time, so I just keep on snacking and snacking. Haiz..this is bad.
Booth is extremely tiring. I'm amazed I managed to survive 15 hours devoted to booth yesterday, and after doing midway watch this morning, spent another 3 hours today on booth. Haven't done a single work over the weekend. I'll try to do work later, but right now, I just feel like sleeping. Still got mingwei's question to solve..it's just bugging me!!
Today was Easter and again, it didn't feel like Easter to me. It just felt different. I can't really find another word to describe it. I really don't know where my faith stands right now. Ever since I came here, I find myself drifting away. It's so much harder to do quiet time here and to go to church. I guess it's partly my excuses (read: lack of discipline) and stuff, but really, I don't think I can say that I've found a church or a cell group that I'm comfortable in, that I feel like I belong to the church or the cell group. And quiet time has increasingly become meaningless. It's like I feel I'm forcing myself to do quiet time and not doing it willingly. Sigh..what's become of me? What's wrong with me?
I'm starting to feel homesick too. Jessica's mum is coming to visit her next week (lucky her!). I want my family to come here to visit me too! I miss my family a lot! 2.5 more months to go before I get to go back. In the meantime, gotta just hang on.
Because He lives, I can face tomorrow
Because He lives, all fear is gone
Because I know, I know He holds the future
And life is worth the living just because He lives
The past three days have been really hectic and right now, I'm just very very exhausted. Wednesday, had my comp finance interview. After that, had prefab and exco meeting, and my day ended at 11.30pm. Still had to do work after that and ended up sleeping at 6am. Thursday, had to study for DE midterm and do programming homework. Still had prefab, DE review and booth meeting. Today was move-on day for booth, so had to help out again for booth. Booth is really taking up a lot of my time and it's just very very draining. The only thing that is keeping me going is that I'll only have to do booth for one more week only (cos Spring Carnival is next week), so I might as well just put in my best (since we also agreed to continue anyway).
Some good stuff this week though. I got into comp finance (major yay!!!). That means that I won't have to think of alternative majors and stuff and I'm pretty much settled on my courses also. Weather has been pretty fantastic too. Warm all week (though it rains quite a bit here), pretty much t-shirt weather! Yay! And I think I'm recovering already. Hmm. Means I can play tennis already. Woo hoo!
Better sleep now. I'm having a bit of headache cos I'm just so exhausted. 8am for booth tomorrow! I'm just wondering how I will survive the weekend, with so much time taken up by booth, and truckloads of work yet to be done.
Not only that, I've DE midterm on Friday and programming homework due Friday that I haven't started. Probably will have to do an all-nighter tonight and given that I'm still sick, it's probably not a good idea. But what to do? I can't sleep late tomorrow cos I've DE midterm. And the whole of Friday will be spent on booth. Haiz. I'm already making sacrifices for booth (okay I know I'm supposed to be committed and stuff), but soometimes I feel that I'm really making sacrifices to the extent that it's affecting other stuff too, like my studies.
On a brighter note, my comp finance interview went well. Let's see how it goes. In the meantime, back to work work and more work. Sigh. What a boring life.
Schedule for the fall sem is out, and my schedule isn't as nice as what it is now. 3 hour break and 8.30 class on MWF. Ugh. We'll see how I guess.
I'm recovering. At least I hope so. Sore throat is more or less gone, now just waiting for the flu to go away too. I promise I'll never ever repeat my late night marathons again. I don't think I'll be able to take it again.
And it's getting warmer! I think it's gonna be above 10 for the entire week! Yeah! Maybe spring *is* finally here :) Time to start playing tennis again. After I recover that is. I realize I miss playing badminton too. I mean I still like playing tennis best, but I used to play badminton before I start playing tennis. and somehow, badminton reminds me of home. Cos quite a few people here play tennis, but not that many play badminton. It's just an Asian sport and I miss watching all those badminton matches with my brothers. Especially when there're Indonesians playing. Indonesians are really crazy over badminton and the matches are quite crazy too. I miss watching men's doubles which are really really exciting, and also watching a certain Taufik Hidayat play haha.
Anyway, I think it's quite fun to drive your roommate crazy haha. I think I may have driven Jessica nuts with all my crazy comments last night. Pardon me..I'm feeling a bit sick :) Or am I always like that haha. And I've come to a conclusion. xh is the small bully, zh is the big bully, and mw is the BIGGEST bully haha.
Okay, shall *attempt* to do my programming homework now. And also to restore the ipod mini software. Sigh hopefully that'll fix the problem. Anyway, Chris gave me a quote last night, which I thought is quite nice (shall post it on my blog too haha).
"Don't say you don't have enough time.You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Mchaelangelo, Mother Teresea, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein." --H. Jackson Brown Jr.
Hmm..I thought Friday's supposed to be Good Friday. Then how come I've DE midterm on Friday? I just hope it won't be brought forward to Wednesday. If not..*oops* (cos I skipped the last 2 DE lectures haha).
Anyway this is a very crappy post. I'm feeling very crappy about my nose. How how. My psych research not done yet! (Another random thought). I should start preparing for church now.
MU vs Arsenal tomorrow. Very tempted to watch the match, but no time. Sigh.
But that's not all. Still had one more question to do for programming assignment, which was due at 11.30pm, and I hadn't really finished debugging my code for the other 2 questions yet. I was just typing my code, hoping it would be correct w/o making any sense of it haha. I sort of gave up checking my code haha and went for prefab instead. Oh well.
I don't know. I felt really weird today. I felt like I wasn't being myself at all, as if it was another person living in my body. I seriously lack sleep. And I can't form any coherent thoughts either. Sigh. Luckily, sore throat seems to have gotten better a bit.
Anyway, I got locked out from my room for the third time this sem. I think I'm really really getting forgetful. Had to go downstairs and call my dorm so that Jessica could open the door haha. That was at like 5am in the morning. Insane.
Talked to one of my primary school friends online this morning. He just added me on msn and he was asking me if I still remember him. Well, the person in the msn pic looked vaguely familiar, but I really couldn't remember him. Was quite embarrassed when I had to tell him that. Oops haha. I feel quite bad cos I've probably forgotten quite a few of my pri sch friends, but most of them still remember me. My friend then tried to jog my memory by telling me some stuff which happened. Haha found it quite amusing.
Think I'm sprouting nonsense now. As you can see, my brain is not functioning at all today. What a weird day it has been. Gonna sleep now. Yes..sleep. Finally! Don't know if I should wake up for DE recitation tomorrow haha. Meanwhile, zzz..
Another random post, taking a break from doing matrix homework. Still got history paper draft to write (ugh how sian). I don't think I'm going to get much sleep tonight. I'll be lucky if I even sleep. Sigh, more sleep-deprived, and I won't be able to recover anytime soon. Ah well.
Anyway, talked to my jc friend just now and it was nice catching up with him after quite some time. He commented that I still blog quite frequently even though I'm supposed to be busy with schoolwork and stuff. Well, I only blog when I'm bored or when I've something in mind that I really really need to blog, or when I need to vent my anger haha. Ah well.
(Chris: It was really nice catching up with you. Don't be too depressed k! Cheer up!)
I just want to go home! Like right now! To just escape from this place and all its craziness.
Anyway, daylight savings is going to start tomorrow morning, which means I'll have one less hour. Doesn't really sound that good haha. I need more time to do all the things I need to do! I don't think all the time I have now is enough to do everything. Bleah. And admission results are also out. Which really reminded me of last year, of the waiting and anticipation, and of choosing which uni I should go to. One year just passed by like that. And the student info online already shows my status as sophomore! Unbelievable.
I've planned what I need to do for the week ahead. Hope I can stick to it..right now it's not looking so good though haha (what's new huh). And it's April already! Okay off to do work.
FIX YOU (Coldplay)
When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tears stream down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I
Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you