life.is.beautiful.

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Sigh.. I'm feeling lousy. Physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I had a mini-breakdown during booth yesterday, and was trying hard not to show it in front of everyone. It doesn't help that I'm a person who can't really control my anger well, who get easily pissed off by little things and affected by what other people think. When I'm feeling really lousy, these little things are enough to make my day that much worse, especially when I'm feeling really tired. I was tired doing booth yesteday and I had already tried to put in my best and did as much as I could, so I was just irritated when people complained too much and stuff. I mean, everyone was pretty exhausted yesterday and I guess for me, it's also a matter of responsibility. We all have a booth to finish building by Wednesday and if everyone slacks, then we're never gonna get it done in time. It also doesn't help that I'm quite a perfectionist, so when things don't go well and it involves me, I tend to put the blame entirely on myself. Case in point: Booth shirts. Sigh.

I'm really really exhausted today. My eyes just feel like closing the entire day. Woke up at 4.30am to do midway watch with jessica. Luckily, it wasn't as bad as yesterday, and I had a good time talking with her and stuff. The midway people were also nice enough to make hot chocolate, and I got to witness a beautiful view of the Cathedral of Learning bathed in the early sunrise. I've never seen that kind of view before and it was a truly amazing view. Too bad I didn't bring my camera along. But that aside, waking up early really took its toll on me, especially since I've been sleeping late the entire week. And my appetite is kindda screwed up too. I've no idea why I'm feeling hungry all the time, so I just keep on snacking and snacking. Haiz..this is bad.

Booth is extremely tiring. I'm amazed I managed to survive 15 hours devoted to booth yesterday, and after doing midway watch this morning, spent another 3 hours today on booth. Haven't done a single work over the weekend. I'll try to do work later, but right now, I just feel like sleeping. Still got mingwei's question to solve..it's just bugging me!!

Today was Easter and again, it didn't feel like Easter to me. It just felt different. I can't really find another word to describe it. I really don't know where my faith stands right now. Ever since I came here, I find myself drifting away. It's so much harder to do quiet time here and to go to church. I guess it's partly my excuses (read: lack of discipline) and stuff, but really, I don't think I can say that I've found a church or a cell group that I'm comfortable in, that I feel like I belong to the church or the cell group. And quiet time has increasingly become meaningless. It's like I feel I'm forcing myself to do quiet time and not doing it willingly. Sigh..what's become of me? What's wrong with me?

I'm starting to feel homesick too. Jessica's mum is coming to visit her next week (lucky her!). I want my family to come here to visit me too! I miss my family a lot! 2.5 more months to go before I get to go back. In the meantime, gotta just hang on.

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow
Because He lives, all fear is gone
Because I know, I know He holds the future
And life is worth the living just because He lives

posted by vivien at 9:13 PM

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