I guess though, despite really looking forward to going back, deep down I'm slightly scared and apprehensive. Of the change. Of how much people and everything has changed in the 6 months I've not been back. It's not surprising that people would probably have moved on to life without you. Everything will look so familiar, yet it will also be unfamiliar. I'll be home, yet perhaps I won't feel like I'm home, simply because I've regarded this place as my new home, the place I'll be spending at least the next 2 years in, and also because the place I'll be going back to will not be the same as the one I had left 6 months ago. Change is really inevitable, isn't it? Perhaps the only constant in the never-ending curveballs that life can throw at you. I guess what matters more is how you cope and deal with such changes. But I must admit it's not easy.
As I look back on my life so far, I realize that it has almost been entirely about change. I've lived and studied in 3 different places, made friends in all 3 places, learned the ways of life in these 3 places. It's good in that I've gotten to experience different things. To me, living in a different place is a different and refreshing experience altogether. Different people, ways of life, challenges, languages, weather, cultures, etc. So even though I've technically studied and lived abroad for almost half of my life, coming here was still something different and something new.
However, because of such changes, my life has really been divided into bits and pieces, characterized by the different places I've lived in. My life somehow feels disjointed. It's like I can never do something permanently, only temporarily. I won't deny that sometimes I'm really sick of having to face something different yet again, and start afresh. I feel that I'm also sacrificing my relationships and friendships because of such changes. I thought that I'd never see my primary school friends again because I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to them when I left. It's really a miracle that now, somehow, I've managed to keep in touch with quite a few of them. Yet despite this, they're totally leading different lives from me, 8 years worth of different experiences from me, and there's a part of me that feels left out whenever they start talking about something they have all experienced and I have not. I guess the same thing goes for friends in Singapore. They have probably moved on to life without you and led a different life altogether, and when I come back, I'll just have to make the effort to contact everyone (and make myself a part of their lives again, albeit for a short time only). And what about my family? It's so hard just to spend time together as a whole family, and it's only going to get harder now. Right now, we're in 4 different places - my parents are in jakarta, i'm in pittsburgh, my youngest brother is in singapore and my other brother is in perth. I think the next time all 5 of us are together will be Christmas, which is a distant 6 months away (not over summer at least). I'll miss the big family reunion at my cousin's wedding this Saturday. Sometimes, I'd just wonder what it's like to have a proper family. Even when I was in Singapore with my 2 brothers, only my mum would mostly visit. My dad seldom visited us. And the only time that both parents would be in Singapore at the same time would be during CNY. I'm close to my mum, but not my dad, cos I barely see him. And sometimes I just wish that I hadn't left at all, so that I can be close to both my mum and my dad. Or perhaps, it's all just a lack of effort on my part, to keep in touch with everyone.
How different would life have been had I not left in the first place? Such a thought has crossed my mind time and again. But what's the point of thinking about that and continuing to ask yourself what-if. I can never turn back time (realistically at least), so there is just no use regretting over what is past. Life has turned out this way for me and I just have to deal with it and move on. I'm still learning and trying my best, and I will continue to do so, even though I know it won't be easy.
I will never know what life has to offer me in future. Where will I be? Will I be in a different place again? I guess there's no use worrying over such uncertainties.
What is certain, though, is that I will be going back in 2 weeks' time. And I will make the most of my 6 weeks back home to meet up with everyone. See you guys back home in 2 weeks' time then!