I want to know why
I want to know why...
I never minded calling You a King
If that meant that I could count on You
To give me everything
I never thought to ask You
I always thought You knew
It was never my intention to question You
You never minded calling me a child
Well, I guess that's how I acted all the while
But You live through every tantrum
You see through every lie
Though they seem to be more common
I just wanted You to know why oh why
Unforgetful You, unforgetful
Unforgetful You, so unforgetful
You never minded giving us the stars
Then showing us how blind and unaware of You we are
You painted me a picture and showed me how to see
Though I just won't behold it
Unless it pertains to me
Unforgetful You, unforgetful
Unforgetful You, so unforgetful
I've been listening to quite a few Christian songs lately. I guess they give me a sense of peace and just listening to them makes me feel much better.
I've been feeling very -bah- these past few days, you know, very indifferent, unmotivated, tired. All that sort of stuff. The midsem break was good, but it wasn't really a good rest for me. Went down to Madison for mwg and the traveling itself was exhausting - 12 hours car ride there and back - though I slept through almost the entire journey. I fell sick, but recovered towards the end. Had a fantastic dim sum in Chicago. Besides mwg, didn't do anything much. Failed in my attempt to do homework, played bridge and had a good talk till sunrise. I think I'm still feeling the effects of sleeping at 6am twice, on the morning of leaving there and coming back. Ah well. Now, it's on to the second half of the semester...
The road trip somehow reminded me so much of last year. This time of the year last year, driving down to fallingwater and ohiopyle, the beautiful scenery that greeted us as fall set in, and not forgetting the cold weather coupled with the chilling wind. Chicago too reminded me so much of Thanksgiving as we drove past the landmarks that we had visited last year, and of course, dim sum at Chinatown, where I also saw the Penang restaurant. And then I realized that this time of the year signals the start of winter, as darkness seems to set in earlier (daylight savings ending soon), and it's going to be my second winter! October is almost ending and really, it feels too fast, too fast for my liking. A friend reminded me that I've been here for 1.5 years and I was frankly taken aback at how long I've been here, how long I've been in uni, and how fast everything has gone by.
It seems that each semester here has presented its own challenges to me. Last fall, it was the novelty of a university life, living in dorms with Americans, getting used to hearing - and speaking - the American accent, getting used to seeing all sorts of people, getting used to the cold weather, academics, homeworks coming thick and fast, struggling with homesickness. It was mostly about adapting and settling down.
The spring semester was mostly a test of perseverance for me. It was a classic case of too many things to do and too little time - 6 courses (including the dreaded programming), booth and exco stuff. Last sem really left me drained and I was really looking forward to everything being over so that I could finally go back home.
This sem, I think the big struggle I'm going through is, strangely, schoolwork. Or rather my inability to make up my mind on whether I should drop a course. Schoolwork is also tough as I face another difficult course in probability (the kind where you stare at a problem, think about it for a long long time and still cannot come up with something) and a course where I feel totally lost (accounting). I think schoolwork is made more stressful by the fact that this sem, I seem to be telling myself more that I must do very well, that I seem to be putting much more pressure on myself than the previous year.
It has also been a test of character, not so much in terms of perseverance I feel, but more so in terms of patience and forgiveness, in dealing with the people and things around you, grappling with words and actions that were said and done. I have discovered an ugly side of myself in the sense that I seem to get jealous and very irritated of others rather easily. Or maybe I was just too stressed. Either way, I think I've gotten into a bad mood and snap more easily more often than the previous year.
I have also struggled with my Christian walk. Discipline in doing my quiet time, discipline in going for cell group and church. And I'm still searching for a right balance. Like knowing what to do when you know you shouldn't be doing certain things, but the people around you are doing them; knowing where to draw the line between being nice/not hurting others, and not being a pushover. It's easy for me to say that it's harder to stick to my Christian values when I'm surrounded by pretty much non-Christians around me. But you know, I sometimes wonder what it would be like if I had more close Christian friends here.
Through it all, I have met and gotten to know many people here, formed lasting friendships and acquaintances. I am really very thankful for the friends that I have here, for simply being there when I need them, for giving me a much-needed listening ear to hear out all I have to say/complain (I think I really do complain quite a bit), for supporting me and giving me advice, for making me laugh, for cheering me up when I am down and for many other countless things. I really feel very blessed to have such people around me.
It's kind of scary to realize that I have gotten very much used to the life here, know everything inside out. Like not finding the weather as cold as last year. And more significantly, not getting homesick so far at all. It's kind of weird how I can treat a place so far away from home, home. But I think I'm starting to miss my family a little. My parents are traveling so much this week, visiting my uncle and my two brothers. How I wish they can visit me here too.
I guess sometimes, we just have to give and take, don't we? Life is all about trade-offs and no matter how much you want everything to go your way, you really have to make sacrifices sometimes.
And I shall end with another Jars of Clay song that I like (been really listening to Jars of Clay lately!).
LOVE SONG FOR A SAVIOR (Jars of Clay)
In open fields of wild flowers
She breathes the air and flies away
(She thanks her Jesus for) the daisies and the roses
In no simple language
Someday she'll understand the meaning of it all
He's more than the laughter or the stars in the heavens
As close as a heartbeat or a song on her lips
Someday she'll trust Him and learn how to see Him
Someday He'll call her and she will come running
And fall in His arms, and the tears will fall down and she'll pray
I want to fall in love with You
I want to fall in love with You
I want to fall in love with You
I want to fall in love with You
Sitting silent, wearing Sunday best
The sermon echoes through the walls
(A great salvation through) it calls to the people
Who stare into nowhere, and can't feel the chains on their souls
It seems too easy to call You Savior
Not close enough to call You God
(So as I sit and think of) words I can mention
To show my devotion
I want to fall in love with You
I want to fall in love with You
I want to fall in love with You
I want to fall in love with You
He's more than the laughter or the stars in the heavens
As close as a heartbeat or a song on our lips
Someday we'll trust Him and learn how to see Him
Someday He'll call us and we will come running
And fall in His arms and the tears will fall down and we'll pray
I want to fall in love with You
I want to fall in love with You
I want to fall in love with You
I want to fall in love with You
[3x]