I guess on top of it all, I've been losing motivation to get my work done. There is no sense of urgency anymore and whenever I sit down at my table, I would do all sorts of random stuff before actually getting down to do work. Which partly explains my all-nighter last night. Maybe it is a case of seniorities setting in already? Oh well.
You know, these days, whenever people ask me how I am doing, I would obligingly reply that I am doing good. Truth is, I know that that cannot be further from the truth. I am struggling right now to cope with everything that is going my way and it is just so hard to get settled down to college life again, to a life that I had been accustomed to in my first two years here. I'm not sure if it's entirely due to my lack of time management, but I guess I have underestimated how tough classes are going to be and the amount of workload I have. I told myself that I will take it slow in the first half of the semester at least, but that has obviously not happened. Grad classes and group meetings have really taken a toll on me; I didn't expect grad classes to be so intense. My mum also advised me against TA-ing this semester but I was adamant that I would do it. Even though I have quite liked it so far, TA-ing means more committment to school activities and keeping myself more busy.
Something that I badly miss from my internship is the daily lunches/dinner with the other interns and a few of my colleagues. We had a good time just talking and not thinking about work for once, and I guess that is something that is really lacking now. When I'm talking to people, it is mostly about schoolwork and job search, and I really do need a break from all those! I don't really like all this smalltalk and I really miss all the silly banter we used to have. I don't know..I just feel like I have been living in a glasshouse lately. And for some reason, I sense that I have become more bitter, defensive and spiteful as well, even when talking to my mum. I mean in the past few semesters, schoolwork has always kept me busy as well, but I don't remember being as miserable. Sigh.
Maybe it is the lack of sleep that is causing me to be in a rather foul mood today. But it has been difficult to find bright, positive things out of this semester so far. I guess my senior year in college has not been as fun as what I had expected or thought it would be.