Someone asked me yesterday whether I have done half of the things that I want to do before graduation since we are almost halfway through the semester. And it struck me that I don't know exactly what I want to do. I mean I keep saying that there are certain things that I want to do and all that and to have no regrets, but all of that sounds so vague. I guess I'm not the type of person who keeps a list of what to do, but somehow I was left feeling clueless. I think you can never say enough is enough, in the sense that there is probably an endless list of things to do, and what is important is to prioritize and to know which ones you value more, but I don't even know! And it gives me the impression that my life has no purpose at all.
In the end, I answered my friend and told him that I hope to be able to spend as much time as possible with people I'm close to here, which would make me happy enough. But am I really doing that? Can I really quantify how much is enough? And honestly, suddenly, I feel like I don't even know who I'm close to anymore. I feel that I am no longer close to the people I thought I was close to. Sure, there are certain people I talk to and hang out more frequently than others, but deep down, is the friendship real? Is it genuine?
Maybe all this just boils down to my fear of losing my friends again, with only memories of the past left. It is most likely that I'm the only one, out of our circle of friends, who won't be in Pittsburgh anymore come next semester. People move on and they would slowly learn to adapt to life without you being a part of it anymore. And it takes effort, on both parts, to continue to maintain what you have formed; otherwise, it is easily lost.
It is really amazing how one's moods can change so drastically in a day. All of a sudden, I feel lost. I feel insecure. I feel lonely. I think this post doesn't make sense anymore. Maybe I am just in one of my mood swings. Maybe I should stop over-analyzing and thinking too much about things.
: 9:59 PM