I guess I did not expect it to be this hard. I always like to think that there is always something positive I can take from anything negative. I definitely have learned a lot and perhaps this is His way of telling me what I should be doing. But you know, it still stinks to have known that you screwed up or that you could have done better but realized that too late, and I guess I am just feeling very disappointed and losing confidence in myself.
I know deep down that God will always provide, but I am fast losing faith. Oh well. Let's just see what happens. In the meantime, I hope I will be able to chin up and take everything in my stride.
The weekend could not have come at a more appropriate time for me, for it offers a respite, albeit a brief one, from what I have been going through. The first week was very stressful for me, and I am constantly reminded of the fact that it is only the first week and there will be more to come. I know there are things which are somehow troubling me, but I can't pinpoint exactly what, or maybe it is just a combination of things and circumstances. Which probably explains the fact that I have not been sleeping well lately, sleeping a mere 4 hours a day because I have been waking up at 5+ in the morning (and I don't think it is jet-lag). And I feel like I have just pulled off all-nighters the past few days just because I could not sleep. Oh well.
I am so glad accounting final is finally over! It was a really huge relief for me and I don't really want to think about how I did. And I have finally made up my mind to take personality instead of cog psych, despite the worse schedule it gives me. (I hope I don't change my mind again). I hate the fact that I am so indecisive and easily swayed.
Internship search is driving me up the wall once again, and I am really worried that I won't be able to get a good internship in summer. I really don't know what I'm going to do if I can't get an internship..I would really feel very lost. I will be having two more interviews this week, so I am crossing my fingers that they will go well. I just hope I am faithful enough to trust that He will provide.
It has been really cold the past week and it has actually started snowing! Even though I have been waiting in anticipation for snow, once it actually started to snow, I did not feel any excitement at all. I can't even be bothered to go out, even if for a few minutes only, to take pictures, just because "I feel lazy".
So many things to do over the weekend, but I have not actually gotten down to doing them yet. I don't really have the mood to start clearing any work I have. I am starting to miss home already (believe it or not); I miss just sitting down, talking and spending time with my mum, my brothers and my friends back in Jakarta/Singapore. Ahhh..here I go again, being homesick. Should really stop this.
MU just lost to Arsenal 1-2, letting in 2 goals in the last 10 minutes!! Oh well..surprisingly, I am not very upset over it just because I was half-expecting it. I received a very *kind* reminder from my brother after that loss. Haha.
I have been listening to lots of Casting Crowns, Chris Tomlin, Corrinne May and country music lately. Guess they pretty much suit me right now, given my mood. Oh well. Should really start doing work already.
So many things on my mind now and I'm feeling really distracted. I haven't really slept well lately, not sure whether it's because of jet-lag or whether there are really things that are bothering me.
Crossing my fingers that all is well back home...
I had to deal with school and internship stuff the past week even before school had started! This week is just going to get busier for me, with accounting final to sit for and more internship applications to submit. So many things to do, but I'm not really worried about them yet. Just wondering how I'm going to go about doing things and managing my time.
Coming back to Pittsburgh feels a little weird for me for some strange reason. I'm still jet-lagged and getting used to the cold weather again and not being around my mum or my brothers. Oh well.
I read an interesting quote recently: "An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves". One of my new year resolutions is to be more optimistic and I'm really going to try to not worry unnecessarily or think negatively or something along those lines, so please remind me if I start to do so.
Sigh. Maybe I shouldn't think too much and complicate matters and instead, just leave it in His hands and trust in His timing.
Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star
Would choose to light my way
For my ever wandering heart
Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are
I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
Vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours
Who am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love and watch me rise again
Who am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me
Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are
I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
Vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours
Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are
I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
Vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours
I am Yours
Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
'Cause I am Yours
I am Yours
Anyway, what was I thinking when I said that I don't really mind going back and that I feel rather indifferent about being back this time? I don't really want to go back at all! Even though I'm kind of looking forward to see everyone again. The holidays seem far too short. Oh well.
I had a good time in Bali, catching up with my uncles/aunts/cousins. It was so much fun, though the weather for the last 2 days I was there was really terrible. It was raining so much and it was flooding on the day I was supposed to go back to Jakarta! Even the ground floor of one of the malls was flooded cos the roof was leaking. Can you imagine all the shops being flooded with water up to your ankles? It was really bad. Luckily the weather got better for us so we could fly back. I guess my fear of flying has just got worsened with the bad weather and the news of the Indonesian plane that is still missing. Oh well.
So I'm back in Singapore now, and only a week left before I go back! Not complaning about the heat and humidity cos I think I've gotten used to it already. Not craving for Singapore food as much too (surprisingly). Guess I have also gotten used to life without Singapore/Indo food (aka good food!). But my mum has promised me to buy whatever food I would like to eat haha.
Going back next Friday, instead of next Saturday (cos the travel agent lost my booking to go back!!). I don't know..I've been feeling rather indifferent this time. I mean I have definitely enjoyed being back, but I don't really mind going back either. That being said, I'm going to really enjoy my week here because I don't know when I will be back again!