Start of the craziest week yet for me, with 3 midterms, 1 presentation, 1 homework and many many readings to do. It starts tonight with my stats midterm. And I feel homesick. Gotta hang on!
I grew up in sunday school
I memorized the golden rule
And how Jesus came to set the sinner free
I know the story inside out
I can tell you all about
The path that led him up on Calvary
But ask me why He loves me
And I don't know what to say
But I"ll never be the same because
He changed my life when He became
Everything to me
He's more than a story
More than words on a page of history
He's the air that I breathe
The water I thirst for
And the ground beneath my feet
He's everything, everything to me
We're living in uncertain times
And more and more I find that I'm
Aware of just how fragile life can be
I want to tell the world I found
The love that turned my life around
They need to know that they can taste and see
Now everyday I'm praying
Just to give my heart away
I want to live for Jesus
So that someone else might see that He is
Everything to me
He's more than a story
More than words on a page of history
He's the air that I breathe
The water I thirst for
And the ground beneath my feet
He's everything, everything to me
And looking back over my life at the end
I'll go to meet you saying you've been...
You're everything to me
More than a story
More than words on a page of history
You're everything to me
You're more than a story
More than words on a page of history
You're the air that I breathe
The water I thirst for
And the ground beneath my feet
You're everything
Lord, You're everything to me
You're everything to me, Jesus
The air I breathe, the sun I see
Everything to me
You're my life, my love, my everything
Anyway, life has been tough, in general I guess. I'm barely hanging on mentally, and I find myself not getting enough sleep nowadays too, so it has just been a very tiring past couple of weeks. I'm really looking forward to spring break (and not really looking forward to next week, but what to do?). I've been really busy with schoolwork. I'm totally lost in my math finance course (stochastic integration? Ito's formula? quadratic variation?) and I'm going to have the midterm next week. I'm also barely keeping up with the readings for my econs class and the midterm next week is going to be based on the readings only. So far, 1 out of 7 readings done. I can go on about my other courses, but I won't (actually, the rest are pretty okay haha).
Being a TA has been a rather testing experience too. I guess I still have confidence issues and sometimes, the things the students say aren't very nice. I remember one time I almost cried during office hours out of sheer frustration and the things that were said were pretty hurtful. But I take it all as a learning experience and hopefully, it will get better.
Valentine's Day last week and the one memory that sticks out from anything related to Valentine's Day is me appearing in the opinion section of the school's student newspaper, The Tartan. Haha. Oh my..I can't believe I was actually approached and I can't believe what I said! Haha. And I received lots of chocolates too. Ooh... Somehow, V-day also reminded me of my JC days, when everyone of us would give everyone else in class a little something. I remember Zherui giving all the girls a small cauliflower each cos he didn't manage to get a flower for each of us. Haha. That seemed like such a distant memory.
Then there was Chinese New Year. The second straight year I'm spending CNY away from home, and it made me feel a little homesick. We had SSA CNY dinner and I guess it's kind of appropriate to spend CNY here with your friends, considering that your friends are like your family here, when you are far away from home.
Weatherwise, it has been quite crazy. The temperature went down to -25 degrees two weeks ago (no kidding!) and there was a snowstorm last week. It was really hard to walk in all that snow, but on the flip side, we had a snowfight and traying session. It was fun, but oh so tiring, and I was hit so many times (pretty painful at first) and someone poured snow on me too...
Deborah asked me to lead bible study for cell group yesterday and I was thankful for the opportunity to serve in cell group. My first time leading a bible study, but luckily, I was not that nervous. However, I got distracted halfway through, which is very bad. I realize I do miss serving in church and I hope I will be able to serve in cell group or ACF.
I think the accumulation of everything has really gotten to me these past few days. Was pretty stressed out, but I don't think it was because of schoolwork alone. It is just that everything that is going on seems so overwhelming. I kept on thinking about summer plans too and it made me very worried. Kindda ironic huh..getting miserable thinking about summer. But I really hope it will be resolved soon cos it is really driving me crazy. I don't like all this uncertainty and knowing what I'm going to do in summer will hopefully clear up a few things. Like helping me to decide whether I should do 3 or 4 years here. Ah well. I guess my faith has been really tested and I know I shouldn't think about it too much, but I can't help thinking about it.
Let my heart be changed, renewed
Flowing from the grace
That I found in You
And Lord I've come to know
The weaknesses I see in me
Will be stripped away
By the power of Your love
Hold me close
Let Your love surround me
Bring me near
Draw me to Your side
And as I wait
I'll rise up like the eagle
And I will soar with You
Your spirit leads me on
By the power of Your love
Lord unveil my eyes
Let me see You face to face
The knowledge of Your love
As You live in me
Lord renew my mind
As Your will unfolds in my eyes
In living everyday
By the power of Your love
Hold me close
Let Your love surround me
Bring me near
Draw me to Your side
And as I wait
I'll rise up like the eagle
And I will soar with You
Your spirit leads me on
By the power of Your love
It has been quite a week and there are just so many things going on, which have left me feeling very overwhelmed and rather drained, mentally more than physically I guess, since I'm at least still sleeping enough. Another botched-up interview (though I don't think I did that badly), another chance slipped by, and it left me feeling very crushed. What am I going to do in summer if I don't get any internship? This is just so tough.
Schoolwork is getting pretty crazy too. Second week in a row that I started doing a homework the day it was due (and it's not fun at all). Like the previous week, I was feeling totally calm about it and not feeling any sense of urgency at all. I definitely need to change this. Don't really want to spend my Thursday nights getting crazy multitasking and rushing to finish all the work. I guess I need to try another approach to doing things and see if it works out.
Sometimes, knowing too much may not be a good thing at all. And I guess ignorance is bliss. I feel that there are certain things that I am choosing to ignore and not think about, and I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing.
Cell group this week was rather insightful, but it left me with a question. How much am I willing to let go of the things in my life that I hold on to so dearly now?
Not only that, I have been feeling rather cold inside too. If you get what I mean. I think it's because there is a certain nervousness inside, a feeling of uncertainty and feeling very unsure of yourself. Interview tomorrow and yes, I am feeling very nervous about it. Maybe I shouldn't put too much pressure on myself to do well for the interview. And it's not only the interview. I was very nervous about teaching the problem session about matrix too. I guess I have always been a self-conscious person, so I was thinking about how the students would view me as a TA if I don't really know how to do a question or I don't explain well. I mean I know the feeling of having a lousy TA and I don't want to be a lousy TA. Oh well.
Other than that, I think school has so far been pretty okay for me. No doubt there are lots of things to do, especially since I have to teach and grade homework now, but I am slowly learning to be more disciplined and to manage my time better. All my homeworks, except for readings, are due on Friday and yes, so far, Thursday nights have been pretty insane with all the rush to clear the work. Hopefully that will slowly change. But I think I have taken things pretty easy, either that or I just can't be bothered, because even when I still have a lot of work to do, I don't really get that stressed compared to last time. I even started a homework on Friday itself last week but luckily, I managed to finish it.
The good news is, I have been getting enough sleep over the past week. 7 hours at least from Sunday to Wednesday nights. I have been falling asleep rather early too, like around 11, I'll be nodding off already, so I usually sleep by 1. Well, I guess the sleeping schedule so far is good cos I have long days in school, so I don't really feel that tired.
Classes are pretty okay too. I kind of enjoy all my classes this semester. The hardest/craziest has to be my finance class, cos I am learning VERY math stuff and it is all new/very complicated to me, things like stochastic calculus, Brownian motion and what not. But David (who is also a comp finance major) and I agreed that nothing can be as crazy as the probability course we took last sem. My favorite classes (okay I have 2) are International Money & Finance (or conveniently shortened as IMF haha) and Personality. The professor for IMF used to work in Federal Reserves and he knows Alan Greenspan very well and the stuff we are doing now is just very interesting. Personality is very slack, but again, I find the stuff interesting too. Stats is okay too..the stuff is pretty boring, but we have a good prof. My least favorite class is perhaps OR (Operations Research), just because I have no idea what is going on in the class. Maybe I should read up haha. And the prof is very boring too and speaks in a monotonous way. But he let us off 30min earlier today because the classroom was too cold! Haha.
Jakarta has been flooding for a few days now and a friend asked me yesterday whether my family is all right. I stupidly realized then that I have no idea at all because I have not spoken to my dad in a while, and I felt so guilty. My mum just left for Singapore (and Shanghai with my brother), so I just assumed that everything back home is all right. Just goes to show that my dad and I are not very close. I really felt bad about it, so I decided to call him just now, and thankfully, everything is all right, even though I think the phone lines are affected cos I kept getting cut off just now.
Lost my right contact lens over the weekend while washing it and it just went down the sink. Was quite irritated with myself because I did such a stupid thing. But oh well, what to do? I guess I'll just have to make do with specs for the time being. Can't believe that I've gotten rather vain because I just cannot imagine myself not wearing contacts at all!
Hmm thought blogging will make me feel better, but evidently it hasn't. Still feeling rather shaky inside. I really should stop feeling nervous and calm down. Sigh. I guess it's just everything that I'm going through right now. Somehow I think that I'm starting to lose control of my feelings.
Maybe you are right. Maybe I do need that to make me feel less down/discouraged. Ah well, we'll see what happens. Right now though, I just wish that the weather would get warmer soon.